I Stressed My Husband Out By Trying to Be Peaceful

I stressed out my husband by trying to be peaceful

So, I have something to tell you probably already know: I’m not the perfect wife.

While you’re most likely not shocked to learn that piece of information –  I (embarrassingly) was!

Let me back up a little bit and give some context. When Ken and I got married, we talked a lot about expectations and hopes in marriage. Ken said that what one of the things he most wanted was a peaceful home.

This didn’t come as a surprise. If you know my husband, you know that he loves peace. When we went through the Servants By Design personality survey, Harmonizer was his highest rank. Put simply, that means that any disruption in the peace really affects him and wears on him.

So – the determined taskmaster that I am – I decided to give him the most gosh-darn peaceful home he’s ever seen! I started each day with a check-list, and frantically tired to create a peaceful home. Dishes? Done! Food? Cooked! Living room? Clean! Groceries? Purchased and put away! Finances? Managed! And on and on. Day after day.

Man, I was nailing this peaceful home thing, right?


During a week that I had been praying for humility (not a coincidence), I noticed that Ken was seeming a little off. Awesome wife that I was, I asked him what was going on, sure that it was work or something else, because it certainly couldn’t be me. As you may have guessed, it was me. He said he’s been having a really hard time not having a peaceful home. I was genuinely confused at this, looking around at our peaceful (i.e. clean) home.

But at least I had the soundness of mind to ask what a peaceful home meant to him. It turned out that while to me a peaceful home meant that everything in the home was completed or clean, what a peaceful home meant to Ken is that I was peaceful. Boy, did I miss the mark there!

We talked more about what mattered and what didn’t to him, and I was determined to do better. I tried to align my priorities with him. He didn’t care about dishes? I didn’t care about dishes. He didn’t care about laundry? I didn’t care about laundry. I made it so when he got home at the end of the day, I would drop everything to be able to spend some quality time with my awesome husband.

This worked . . . for a little while.

But then it turned out that while the piles of dishes and laundry and other undone tasks didn’t bother Ken, they did drive me crazy!

Houston, we have a problem.

I had swung on the pendulum so far towards Ken’s way of doing things that I had forfeited what kept me sane and gave me peace. Eventually, as could have been predicted, I cracked. It wasn’t pretty. While I really wanted to spend carefree quality time with Ken, I was so overwhelmed by the piles of tasks calling my name, that I felt like I couldn’t concentrate on anything well.

Something had to give.

While I would never claim to be the Queen of Balance, I eventually fell into a rhythm that suited me. I try to get to the chores around the house daily, but if something that’s a high priority gets done instead (even just quality time with my hubby), that’s just fine. Tomorrow is just as good as today when it comes to unimportant tasks – and when it comes to the bigger scheme of things, they truly are unimportant. It’s been worked into the weekly rhythm to have the whole house pretty clean once per week. That way, it never gets too out of control, and I can stay sane without obsessing about it everyday and detracting from Ken’s peace.

Looking back, it’s so funny to me how I thought I was doing so well, but I truly was missing the mark. It was a wakeup call and a good reminder that Ken and are I different – and even if I think I understand what he’s saying, it’s always good to double check!

What about you? Have you ever had something you thought you were doing pretty great at, only to learn that you weren’t?  How did you handle it? 

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9 Comments on "I Stressed My Husband Out By Trying to Be Peaceful"

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Carly Baker

Love this!!!! Our church’s women’s group has a mission statement that works so perfect for this so I had to share hoping it’s an encouragement to all of us “perfect” wives, “I may miss the mark more than I make the mark, but all God asks is that I continue to press toward the mark.”

I love that you have started this blog and I can’t wait to see it grow!


I feel like this is a perfect description of my life as a newlywed and wanting to be the “perfect wife”! Thanks for letting me know I’m not crazy or alone!

Allie Fischer

I am so flipping proud of you and this blog. I love your writing style. It’s like I can hear you speaking directly to me! Thank you for being raw and honest. It always helps to know I’m not alone in my craziness. 🙂


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[…] closet is beautifully color coded, but my worn clothes end up in a heap on the floor.  I’m at peace when the house is clean, yet I kick off my shoes who-knows-where when I get home. I have a cubby for my phone, but I know […]


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